The MarySue Slayer
by AquaWolfy
Summary: In a world such as Middle Earth, all sorts of monsters are lurking. One girl is sent to accompany The Fellowship, and help save them from the ultimate evil: Mary-Sues
1. A Mentally Ill Child

Frodo Baggins read the letter from Gandalf, given to him late by Butterbur. Once finished, he passed it to Pippin and Sam.

"Really old Butterbur has made a mess of things!" he said. "He deserves roasti-"

"Master Frodo," Sam interrupted, he and Pippin studying the back of the letter. "There's more written on the back of this sheet." he informed and handed it back to an anxious Frodo.

"Let me take a look…" he murmured and began to read Gandalf's neat handwriting aloud.

_PPPPS. I also have another "friend" to accompany you along the way. She prefers to be addressed as Wolfy (She says it would not be fair if only Aragorn had a fashionable eke name), and I have no clue as to what her birth-given name is. However, she will assist as protection against a specific race of "demons" as she put it. I trust her enough, she should probably meet you along with Aragorn._

_-Gandalf _

"That's who that was!" Butterbur exclaimed. The others in the room gave him a questioning stare. "I thought she was just a mentally-ill child!"

"You know this girl?" Frodo asked. He nodded excitedly.

"Aye! I nearly put her out of the inn!"

"You turned her away!" Sam shouted. "We'll never find her!"

"Almost, did I! Almost! She's here right now!"

"Then we must get to her!" Frodo piped.

Then off they went, through the halls of the Prancing Pony **[I'm sorry, I just wanna say that this is the best name for an inn, period.] **until Butterbur finally lead them up the closed door of a room.

"This is the room she should be in…" he said as he began rapping on the door, "Miss Wolfy, are you in there?" he called.

"Yes!" a girl's voice answered from inside the room, "The door isn't locked," Immediately after hearing that, the party opened the door and shuffled into the well-sized inn room.

At a little table in the middle of the floor, sat Nob and an adolescent girl, playing some sort of card game.

"Nob, why are you in here, fooling off?" Butterbur scolded the slacking Hobbit.

"Just playing a game of cards, sir." he chuckled nervously. Frodo waved off their conversation and stepped forward,

"Never mind that," he looked towards the girl, "Are you Wolfy, friend of Gandalf?" She glared through the pair of spectacles she wore at Butterbur.

"I told you so," she crinkled her nose at the pudgy man and stood from her chair. He bowed his head in embarrassment,

"Sorry, lass, I just thought ye' was lying for stature." he apologized. Satisfied with proving herself true, she gave her attention back to Frodo. "Yes, sir, I'm Wolfy." she proudly introduced herself. "Daughter of the guy with the bad farmer's tan and that one lady with the purple mole on her lip." They all made a face, except Pippin, who had a giggle from it. Frodo shook it off and continued,

"Gandalf said in his letter, you were a demon slayer of some sort?" he inquired as Aragorn shut the door behind them, to keep out prying and uninvited ears.

Wolfy's face darkened, "Yes. That, I am." she pushed the glasses further up the bridge of her sharp nose. "A terrible race of demons…"

"W-What are they called?" Sam sputtered with fright.

"Perhaps you speak of Orcs?" Aragorn suggested. She shook her head.

"No. Worse."

Frodo's brow furrowed. "What could possibly be worse than an Orc?"

Wolfy checked outside of the window on the wall opposite of the door. "We mustn't say their name too freely." she warned then came close to the party, where only they could hear her whisper, "They are called Mary-Sues."


	2. So Kawaii

"Forgive me, miss," Strider started, "But, may I ask; What _are _you?"

"Sir, we have gone over this." she nodded for emphasis, as if he had not heard a word just said. "I am a Slayer of the Cursed Ones." He held up his hand.

"No, no, of what _race_ are you?" he asked. "You seem to be too short for a regular girl of Men, but yet, you are too tall to be a Hobbit." he mused.

"Her feet are a bit large," Pippin made of notice, pointing to her bare feet. "Broad, too."

"Yes, you are right…" Aragorn agreed. Wolfy bit her bottom lip, agitatedly tapping her "large feet."

"But there's that nose, as well." Frodo observed. "It's very big and pointed, like a bird's." Sam's eyes widened,

"Perhaps she is of some sort of avian descent?" he suggested. Now the nostrils on her "big and pointed" nose flared.

"Nob, hold my glasses." she removed the spectacles and tossed them over her shoulder and into the fumbling hands of Nob. "Let's go, tubby." she sniffed.

"Ah! I'm sorry, miss!" he cried, cowering away. She blindly reached back to Nob for her precious glasses. "Good. Because I think you would've kicked my ass easily." She mumbled and cleared her throat as she obtained her optical device. "I appreciate your curiosity, friends, but I am a girl of Men, and you all are cruel people." Without warning, tears began to well in her dark brown eyes. "I've always been bullied…" she trembled, "It's just that… no one seems to understand me." she then started to break down into sobs.

Frodo gasped, rushing to her side to comfort her, "Oh my, I am so sorry! I had not an idea of your pain-"

"Are you serious!" Wolfy's head popped up with a look of disbelief. Frodo backed away, startled. "You fell for an act as weak as that!" she pressed a palm against her forehead. "This is why you need me here. I guess it _is_ true it takes a girl's mind to recognize Sue behavi-" she stopped short. "I sense one. Outside." she announced alertly.

"It could have Merry!" Pippin exclaimed. "We should hurry!" Wolfy pushed herself through the group of males and exited the room.

"I'm gonna get 'er!" you could hear her laugh inanely down the halls.

"Follow her!" Strider commanded. Him, Frodo, Pippin, and Sam raced out after the brunette fool, leaving Butterbur and his employee together.

Butterbur cast a stern glare onto Nob, who smiled sheepishly back.

"Get back to work."

"Understood, sir." he bowed his head down and quickly shuffled out as well.

Meanwhile, outside, Wolfy hid behind a large shrub with the others crouching behind her. Peeking through at her target, she realized its specific species of Mary-Sue.

"Oh no…" she breathed. Its dialect and vocabulary proved it as nothing but, "It's a WeeaSue!" she gasped in horror.

Dis hobit was so kawaii./ He said his name was Meri Burandibakku-san.

Watashi no name wa Tsukihime Tenshi desu. it means moon princes angle. Watashi was adopted my butterbur-san when is a chibi onna no ko.I am a Hobbit, kedo I have norml sised feet that aren't hairy desu. Also, I have a sugoi sceret.

/burandibakku-san./ [ / means talking, k? nya] I said. We were sitting by a thingy of hay by the horse place. I was wearing a wit tank-top dress with blue edges and pink hearts all over the plac. My long pink pigtails were in kawaii pigtails on th top of my head.

I looked th kawaii hobbit boy.

/nandeska?/ he asked bak.

/I hav a secret/ I said. His eyes widened.

/wat is it, Tsuki-chan?/ he asked wide eyed.

/watch/ I said srsly n wlked out of the shadws crying.

"Dear Lord," Wolfy sighed, "She's crying. Great. She's that kind. Ugh!"

"That's Merry beside her!" Sam exclaimed.

"That's nice…" Wolfy reached to the tight belt around her waist and pulled out a work-hammer. "Give me a sec." she began to raise herself from her knees and off towards the pink-haired oddling.

"Wolfy!" Frodo called in a hushed whisper and pulled her back into the bush.

"What!" she hissed back.

"What are you doing!"

"What does it look like!"

"Are you going to kill her!"

"What else!"

"Are you mad!"

"Yes, I am, your little hands are sticky!"

Frodo released her exasperatedly. "Why are you trying to kill her?" he asked calmly. Perfect tone for asking a almost-stranger why they are about to commit homicidal acts with a hammer. She gripped his chin and roughly turned his head to face his fallen friend.

"That's why! He's a friend of yours, right!" she hissed. "Look at him!"

"Nandesuka, nandesuka,subarashii Shaia kara," the poor Hobbit, Merry, sung with his head tilting left to right on his shoulders and a goofy smile on his chin. It was clear that Tsukihime's curse had taken effect on him.

"Oh no, Merry!" Frodo gasped as he realized the true terror of the situation his relative was in.

"Now you see why I have to smash her up, yes you do!" she stuck out her tongue at the Baggins. While she proved herself in the right, Sam peeked anxiously through the bush.

"I-Is anyone else seeing the girl?" Sam stuttered. Everyone's attention rushed back to the girl as she stepped into the moonlight, crying "innocent tears."

"Lord, damn it all." Wolfy cursed. "She's about to go God-Mode."

Suddenly, a bright and focused moonbeam fell upon her. She spread her arms to her sides and feathers appeared, swirling around her. She began to levitate a foot or so from the ground.

"Sugoi, Tsukihime-chan!" Merry cried from his spot. "You are magical!"

Frodo looked worriedly to Wolfy, "Miss Wolfy, he's-!" She stepped up and started walking over to the floating Sue.

"Yeah, yeah, I know."


	3. Frills and Feathers

Th whiete feathry tenshi wings cam out frm th back of my back. it hurt but it din't hurt. At the same time! I was amzing . But them, from outof th shadows, an onna no ko! I screamed and tryed 2 hide my angel wings.

/kyaaaaa!1!/ I screamed.

"Oh my goodness, shut up!" Wolfy snapped, holding her free hand to her ear. "Come here," she beckoned the WeeaSue calmly. She shook her head, making sure to whip her pink locks with it.

"Iie!" she cried. "Anata will tell other people about my angel wings." she sobbed, hugging herself. Wolfy's features softened as she came and kneeled by her side. She brushed some hair off of Tsukihime's face.

"Aw, honey…" she tilted her head with a sad look in her eyes, "Nobody gives a fuck about your wings." Tsukihime leaped into the air, spreading her wings out to her sides. Merry climbed to his feet with a huge smile spread on his face.

"Sugo-"

"Shut it, short-stack," Wolfy warned.

"Nani!" Tsukihime screeched from the air. "That was mean, ookami-baka!" she pointed an accusing finger at Wolfy. Ookami. Wolf. She must've known her.

"Ah, so you know my name?" Wolfy chuckled, "You must know what I do, then, right?"

"Yamero!" Tsukihime cried out once more. Feathers scattered over the land, sliding in the air. "Kawaii Tsuki Tenshi no Jutsu!" she shouted.

"Not good." Wolfy said, as a blinding flash of white light washed over her, and the rest of the Prancing Pony Inn. When it diminished, she discovered…

Nothing had changed.

Wait.

Tsukihime had more bows and frills on her dress.

Meanwhile, where they hid, Sam, Frodo, and Pippin struggled to see over each other, while Aragorn was easily able to lift his head high enough to see over them (Also wearing a smile of triumph. As if height gave him authority in the group).

"The Sue is floating so high in the air, how is Wolfy going to reach her?" Frodo asked fretfully.

"Should we help?" suggested Sam. Aragorn put a hand on his shoulder.

"This a fight she must pull through alone." he said solemnly. "… For she has the Hammer." Pippin looked up at him.

"We can get hammers…."

"Be quiet, Pip."

Wolfy had to think swiftly. How could she get to the Sue? She was over twenty feet above, and there was nothing Wolfy could climb on to reach her, nor could she manage to throw her hammer, Lanthir, at the abomination. But she wasn't really in danger. Tsukihime seemed to just be compiled from the fact she had angel wings. Most likely she wasn't programmed with fighting skills or real magic, from her creator. _Because usually this Sue has someone who always comes to save he-_

Her thoughts were cut short as she was tackled from behind. She grunted as she fell down onto her stomach, and swiftly, her hands were pinned out in front of her.

"You leave Tsuki-chan alone! Watashi wa ai her!" Merry hollered at Wolfy as he sat on her back.

"Well aren't you eloquent?" she scorned, "My friend, are you trying to jest?" she inquired, sneering.

"N-Nani?"

"You are only around about 60 pounds!" she brought to light, and easily squirmed enough for Mr. Brandybuck to fall off of her, rolling on the grass beside her. She took it as an opportunity. She grabbed him roughly by his small shoulders and yanked him onto his large, hairy feet. Before he could try to run, she wrapped an arm around the front of his neck. She reached into a another holder on her belt, and from it, pulled a small dinner knife (Which admittedly she had only planned to use for cooking in the wild).

"Nani are you doing!" Tsukihime screamed, worriedly. Wolfy lowered her arm around Merry's chest and shoulders, and put the knife to his throat. The eyes of everyone watching widened with fret.

"Strider, what is she doing?" Frodo gasped, but the man just gulped. Because he's very insightful and wise.

Wolfy pressed the blade onto his skin with force that would break through the skin if she pressed any harder. She gave the Mary-Sue a challenging glare.

"Come down here, or I'll kill him, I swear."


	4. Flat Ass Bitches

"She's insane!" Frodo cried. He tried to leap out from their hiding spot to rescue his friend, but Aragorn held him back.

"No, Frodo!" he refused him. "Gandalf chose her for a reason… trust his decision…" he shut his eyes as a short silence fell on the group.

"… Are you stupid!" Pippin scoffed, knitting his eyebrows together. Aragorn opened his eyes with a light blush. And he had looked so awesome, too! Thank you, Pippin, for ruining his moment of glory.

"Well, no- I, uh…" he stuttered. But he stopped mid-ramble as something caught his eye. "Look!" he pointed.

"No, you're just trying to change the subject!" Sam accused.

"No, really, look!"

"I'll save you, Meri-san!" Tsukihime declared. She pointed her nose towards Wolfy and her hostage (Giving the night sky a full panty-shot) and dived towards them. She would save Meri-san and the glory would increase her powers, surely.

_Perfect!_ Wolfy thought. She dropped the knife, and switched for her hammer.

The horror was evident in the Mary-Sue's face when she saw the girl's weapon.

"Iie! Not da Ban Hameru!" she shrieked in terror, "I won't be able to come back to life!" But it was too late for her to stop herself. Wolfy pushed Merry off to the side, and readied herself to strike. As soon as the Sue hurtled close enough, she swung.

_Thwack!_

"Itai!" Tsukihime cried rolling backwards in the feather-littered grass. She came onto her knees, hands on her forehead. "Itai, itai, itai yo!" She made a sound of disgust and pulled her frail hands down to examine them. Strands of a mucus-like black fluid stuck her fingers. "Ge!" It was then when Merry promptly passed out. Tsukihime's face twisted in anger and pointed an accusing finger at Wolfy. "You muthafuckin' bitch!" she shouted, her voice suddenly as deep as a man's. Aragorn and the Hobbits shared confused glances, while Wolfy rolled her eyes.

"It's normal." she assured the others. "And quite funny, depending on your humor." she giggled.

"What you say, skank! Oh, Imma fuck you up!" Tsukihime roared. Aragorn snorted.

"She's right," he looked down at the Hobbits, inviting them to laugh.

"Shut da fuck up, girly bitch!" the pink-haired Sue screamed at him, the black fluid still squirting from her forehead. Aragorn immediately stopped his laughter and looked down to the ground. "All ya'll dumb flat-ass bitches can suck mah big, hairy-" then without warning, she toppled forward, unmoving.

Wolfy tucked her hammer back into its holder, and picked up her knife, sticking it away as well.

"Alright." she smiled and began to walk back into the inn. Frodo turned to her as she made way past.

"That's it?" he asked.

"That's it." she confirmed as she disappeared back inside. Frodo looked back ahead.

"Well then." he mumbled. Then shrugged, "I wonder if the bar's still open."

"Um, I believe so." Strider smiled happily.

"Then what are we waiting for!" Pippin piped. "I bet they'll have whole _pints_ of ale!"

And the happy party hurried inside.

Except Merry, but who cares about him?


	5. Viva Spaghetti

"You silly ass!"

"Noooooo, _you're_ the silly ass!"

Frodo and Aragorn laughed with their arms around each other's shoulders. The other hotel patrons watched in amusement and with broad smiles at the two most piss-drunk creatures in the bar. Meanwhile, Pippin and Wolfy sat among the crowd, making sure to remember every detail of what was happening, to tell their companions during their hangover the next morning.

"Heeeeey!" Aragorn stood up dizzily. He pointed at Wolfy. "I know that little boy!" he smiled. Wolfy crossed her arms.

"Really, now?" she flared her nostrils. Pippin snickered.

"Little boy…" he whispered in a sing-song voice.

"Hush!"

And then stumbled over Aragorn. He pressed a hand on the apparent boy-girl's head. "You!" he said breathlessly. "You, my friend, deserve a haircut!" he declared, like he was giving her some award.

"You tell him, Strie!" Frodo encouraged.

"I deserve, _what_, now?" Wolfy asked, anxiously. But before she could oppose, Aragorn used the hand pressed to her scalp to grab her hair by the ends and hold it above her head. Then with a clean, sweeping motion, he pulled out a hunting knife from a holster on the side if his leg, and sliced the blade through the suspended hair. The severed locks fell back around her face, now not even reaching her shoulders. A few stray strands swayed in the air, falling past her head and to the ground. Aragorn clenched his fist around what he cut off and raised it high in the air,

"Viva spaghetti!" he roared, gaining a patronizing applause from the sniggering customers. Wolfy ruffled her hand in her new, short hair.

"You are a real asshole." she sighed. "Mr. Butterbur, might you have any scissors?" she called to the man hastily wiping up spills of ale and heaven knows what else. He nodded.

"In your room, there should be some." he directed.

"Thank you," she said, and stalked off to straighten up the mess that Aragorn created on her head, while the ranger pumped his fist (Still grasping the hairs) repeatedly into the air, chanting, "Spaghetti! Spaghetti! Spaghetti!". Then as she disappeared from the room, he began tossing pinches of brunette dead-ends to his audience, acting as if each toss was a blessing.

Sam and Pippin, along with a dazed Merry, entered the inn room just as Wolfy finished her repairs in front of a mirror hanging on the wall. She had cut her hair even shorter than before. With the new hairstyle, and those trousers and suspenders, she really did look like a boy.

"Hallo," Pippin spoke first.

"Hello," she replied, sitting the pair of scissor on a dresser to her left. "What are you all doing in here?" The Hobbits exchanged exasperated glances.

"Well," Sam started, "Things started a bit crazy…" Wolfy lifted an eyebrow.

"Explain…"

"Um, well, Merry came in and didn't know what had happened to him, with Tsukihime and all, so Frodo and Aragorn began to tell him the story," Pippin recalled. "… More or less. Then they acted it out…"

"When they started kissing, that's when we decided we should leave…" Sam mumbled awkwardly.

"Oh." Wolfy understood. There was a silence for a moment, before she stood. "_Well_, then. I _guess_ we should go check on them." She gave an overly exaggerated sigh, and made over to the door. Merry raised a suspecting eyebrow at her.

"You're one of those weird ones, aren't you?" he accused. The bespectacled boy-girl spun around, her jaw hanging open, trying to look offended.

"Tch, what, me? Naaaaaaaw!" she said between what was a mixture of scoffs and half-hearted laughs. The whole time backing out the door. "Heh, tch, yeah, right! Pssssh! Ha!" and then she pranced down the hall.

Sam began shaking his pointer finger.

"Something's fishy here-"

"She was lying, Sam." Pippin said curtly. "She's one of those weird ones…"

"Oh…"

Me and my men stoormed the Front Gates of Bree. We were going to find The Ring of POWER. In all of it's shimmering, shinning glorey. I shut my long-lashed eyes and felt the wind and rain rush around me, making my long black hair that was as black as the cold Night dance around my face while a I let my winged horse, DarkHeart bring me to my destination

Me and my men busted into a room. We looked around and searched desperately for THe Ring…. but it wasn't THERE. I bowed my head down, my long black hair falling over my face. I was failing as a RingWraith. Lor Sauron would be so disapleased. One of the other RingWraiths put a strong hand on my shoulder.

"Caliga Darknight." he said. "I am so sorry." I looked at him with my sad silver eyes.

"I do not care. For now, let us leave." I said quietly and emotionlessly. My long black dress (it looks like this ) swifted along the floor as I left from the place and mounted SadHeart. He ninnyed and neighed. I sighed.

I could never show emotion. I had no emotions. I was as blank a the cold night that I rode off into with DarkLove.


End file.
